Comic Book Guy

Jeff Albertson (known as "Comic Book Guy") is the proprietor of "The Android's Dungeon", a local comic book shop, in the fictional television series The Simpsons. Voiced by Hank Azaria, the fat, hirsute, surly character is known for his sarcastic quips to customers. He holds a master's degree in folklore and mythology (He translated "Lord of the Rings" into Klingon as part of his thesis). His catchphrase is the declaration "Worst. _____. ever.", which is usually delivered with slight pauses between each word, and an emphasis on the "ever". His other, but rarely used catchphrase is "Best. ____. ever." Both phrases (along with varations of the quotes) are very popular on Internet message boards. The character of Jeff Albertson is said to be mocking of certain Simpsons fans who would race to the Internet to criticize the producers and writers of an episode and declare such episode to be the "Worst Episode Ever".

A noted science fiction buff, he has a bumper sticker that reads "MY OTHER CAR IS THE MILLENNIUM FALCON", given to him by a Harrison Ford-lookalike. His license plate — on his American Motors Gremlin — is NCC-1701, the registry number of Star Trek's USS Enterprise. The contents of his display case include, among other oddities, a photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore, and a very rare Mary Worth in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide. He wears prescription pants, and in the 14th Halloween episode revealed he had a "Jabba the butt" tattoo in the appropriate place. He also owns a T-shirt that says "C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN" which is a computing joke referring to the Dick and Jane series of books, from which mid-20th-century American schoolchildren learned to read and which contained the words "See Spot. See Spot Run. Run, Spot, Run." It also refers to something that could be typed at the command prompt of the DOS (Disk Operating System) and is pronounced as "See DOS. See DOS run. Run DOS run.".

He is a fan of the comic strip Hi & Lois. His store contains a section full of illegal videos (which include Mr. Rogers drunk, a top secret American nuclear war strategy, and local news reporter Kent Brockman picking his nose). He once had to give up the Ultimate Belt (which he won as a doorprize at the Star Trek Convention) because he, like most trekkers, had no use for a medium sized belt. He was a virgin well into his forties. At one time he was romantically involved with Principal Skinner's mother Agnes; later, he dated Skinner's fiancée, Edna Krabappel. Comic Book Guy was once married, in an online fantasy game. He and his Internet wife were thinking of having children, but that would have severely drained his power crystals. He is said to be a virgin and while proposing his plans to limit breeding to once every seven years, commented that this would be "much much more" for him.

In an old interview, Matt Groening stated that Comic Book Guy's original name was Louis Lane (a play on "Lois Lane"). A long-running gag on the show was never to reveal the character's name, with other characters referring to him as "Comic Book Guy". The gag concluded on the February 6, 2005 episode, when he told Ned Flanders that "my name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone calls me Comic Book Guy".

Quotes

"I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them!"

"I am interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud connection to a 1.4 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my Token Ring Ethernet LAN configuration?"

"Once again, my underwear has become entangled in a cow-catcher..."

"Being as you are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I'm going to close the cash register at this point."

[considering the disembodied hand] "The gag I would give a D+. As for the workmanship on the hand..." [Suddenly, the hand comes to life, runs down CBG's back, and gives him a wedgie] "Ooh! That's not right!" [Audience laughs] "You mocking me? Oh, that is rich." [The hand wedgies him harder, tugging him right off the stage. He lands on a rack of wizard hats, two of which stick to his chest.] "Stop your laughing! You're all banned"! [Takes the hats off his chest.] "Banned, I tell you!"

From an episode where Homer Simpson encouraged Ned Flanders to start dating again after his wife's death:

• clerk (referring to contact ad videos): And if you're desperate, there's always the "one night only" bin.
• Comic Book Guy: The bin is spoken for.
• clerk: Are you going to call all those women?
• Comic Book Guy: No, the videos will be enough.